It is effortlessly quiet this afternoon: the barest of breezes is blowing, a few birds are chirping and in the distance i can hear the revving of a motorcycle. I have not quite started baking inside my little abode yet, thank goodness today seems to be slightly overcast. A dreary winter, full of darkness finally ends and i get excited for a respite from the sun. Go figure.
Today started off fine enough, but has given way to a jumble of mixed emotions. Does anyone ever know what they want to do? And, how do they know how to go about doing it? I'm unable to wrap my head around how to make it work for me. I'm perfectly content to return to what i was doing. I'm good at it, it's never boring, and although it sucks my will to live at times, I am looking forward to doing something fulfilling again. Being completely underutilized and unproductive for the last year has at least given me an idea of what i don't want to do. And isn't that half the battle?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Doing Things
I think it's safe to say that i have no idea what I'm doing, only that what was doing is not what i want to be doing so I'm going to do what i want to do and start doing that instead. Get that?
Since I quit my job back in May, I've had a lot of time to do nothing. And, as it happens, I'm very good at doing nothing, since I've had the last 10 months at said prior job, to practice the art. I am either very stupid for wanting to actually work while at work and be fulfilled and have a general sense of purpose, or I'm very stupid for quitting a job that pays me to do nothing. I don't accept either. I am not a stupid woman. I struggled with myself for days leading up to my final decision, and every day thereafter, having given notice of my intent to leave. So struggled did i, that it took me an entire day, the second Monday of my two week notice, to decide not to come back, that i simply could not endure it anymore. I am a bit surprised, and yet not at the following: I was not compensated for that very terrible Monday that i made myself sit and find something to do. Not paid. NOT PAID! Any ounce of guilt or remorse that i felt has since been assuaged. I completely made the right decision, completely.
Having said that, I have been enjoying my days of doing nothing. I've never quite experienced not having to go to work, and while its temporary, and self induced, I can say now, that i might not mind being a "house-wife" in the future. I've been reading, shopping, and enjoying the "nothingness" of my days. Some days, I'd be hard pressed to tell exactly what i accomplished, if anything. But the days have been passing by, quite nicely and i have trim, perfectly painted nails, a nice tan going, a spiffy clean house and a bevy of books just waiting to be read.
Since I quit my job back in May, I've had a lot of time to do nothing. And, as it happens, I'm very good at doing nothing, since I've had the last 10 months at said prior job, to practice the art. I am either very stupid for wanting to actually work while at work and be fulfilled and have a general sense of purpose, or I'm very stupid for quitting a job that pays me to do nothing. I don't accept either. I am not a stupid woman. I struggled with myself for days leading up to my final decision, and every day thereafter, having given notice of my intent to leave. So struggled did i, that it took me an entire day, the second Monday of my two week notice, to decide not to come back, that i simply could not endure it anymore. I am a bit surprised, and yet not at the following: I was not compensated for that very terrible Monday that i made myself sit and find something to do. Not paid. NOT PAID! Any ounce of guilt or remorse that i felt has since been assuaged. I completely made the right decision, completely.
Having said that, I have been enjoying my days of doing nothing. I've never quite experienced not having to go to work, and while its temporary, and self induced, I can say now, that i might not mind being a "house-wife" in the future. I've been reading, shopping, and enjoying the "nothingness" of my days. Some days, I'd be hard pressed to tell exactly what i accomplished, if anything. But the days have been passing by, quite nicely and i have trim, perfectly painted nails, a nice tan going, a spiffy clean house and a bevy of books just waiting to be read.
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